I am beautifully and wonderfully made | Psalm 139:14

Happy Things!

I am feeling so inspired and thankful lately! It seems like the puzzle pieces of my life are finally coming together. This is a list I have compiled of things that I am happy about right now in my life.

  • Taking a year off of school
    • Way more motivated about my academics and I have a vision for why I am in school; I am in school this time around because actually want to be
  • My Arts degree in French Language and Literature Min. Philosophy & French Language Translation Certificate
    • This degree is so inspirational to me as I learn about the world through a different lens! I have always loved French but being in the Arts Faculty, I am able to explore so many other options of classes that I am interested in
  • My ambition came back
    • It is like my 14 year old self has resurrected in my 23 year old body as I am discovering all the things I used to be passionate about once again and all the goals and dreams that I had have been reignited
  • My motivation to go to law school
    • I am obsessed with the law and I cannot wait to broaden my mind from a legal standpoint
  • I will be getting my driving license soon
    • I have some projects that I want to start in early 2017 and this will help immensely!
  • Working on perfecting my French
    • Besides studying French I have joined three clubs to help me to achieve this goal! I enjoy them immensely and I am thankful to have such an opportunity



Quarter-Life Crisis.

I’ve only ever heard of mid-life crises and never quarter life crises. In my experience and personally speaking I feel in the last two years of my life this phrase is what I would characterize them with.

Right now I feel I am experiencing one. I want to quit (even just saying that work makes me cringe) my job or the program rather that I am part of. People don’t understand how mental health and happiness or maybe not even happiness just stability matters so much. I am in a place right now all alone with no friends, no company no one and nobody and at a job that I feel is not fulfilling me not is adding any value to my life. All this is fine and good but the main problem is the longer I stay here the more depressed I feel.

Even just saying that alone I feel anxious. I’ve been depressed before. Legitimate, can’t-get-out-of-bed-for-weeks-hair-falling-out-lost-10-pounds-when-you-already-don’t-weigh-that-much-in-the-beginning sort of depression. What made it worse was it was during school. My final year at university. Being here is making me feel like that time again. Just before it got horrible.

I never ever want to feel that way again. I promised myself I would never get depressed again or I would never put/keep myself in a situation that for whatever reason is causing me to feel this way. I keep telling myself that I’m lazy and it will pass and I need to push through. But this is all what I said last time. My biggest regret is that I just didn’t tap out. Not out of life, forever, although those thoughts arose I just mean momentarily, take a break. Relax, reevaluate. 

I don’t know what to do. If I stay here I just know I’ll get more sad, if I go I’m lazy and I’m a failure. 

I never knew how important happiness was until all I wanted was just to be neutral, not even happy. Because it seems so unattainable. Like neutrality is close enough and a glimpse of happiness so I’ll just settle for that. There are so many quotes about how happiness is like a butterfly or whatever. I think it’s like a carrot on a stick in front of w horse. Taunting you. Maybe I’m just a hedonist. 

I just want to be ok I never ever want to be depressed again no job or amount of money is worth that to me. Something is telling me, “quit your job and trust God”. I guess I’ll see what happens. 

Comfort For Those Struggling With Regret.

Besides the benefits of salvation, one of the most comforting things for me right now is the passage that says ALL things will work together for our good. It continues on to say for them that love God and are called according to his purpose.

This means everything you have done wrong in the past, everything you regret all the shouldas, wouldas, couldas will be for our good! I’m so glad that this promise is in the Bible.

I mean, I am so hard on myself about mistakes I have made in the past. But besides Gods forgiveness through repentance I know that it will be for my benefit so I don’t even need to stress anymore!

Everything bad that has happened will be for your good.

The second part says for them that love God. But how do you know if you love God? It doesn’t say for those who are Christian or those who go to church.

Elsewhere the Bible says if you love me you will obey my commands. Simple. If I am not walking in obedience I am a liar straight up. I can’t say I love God and don’t do what he says or what pleases him. This is a huge huge area for me. God has been helping me with this this year.

If I love God by keeping his commands and I am saved then I no longer need to fear the impact of my mistakes because they will be for my good. I pray and ask for forgiveness repent of my sins and know that the past will be the past but learn from those mistakes to benefit me as a person.

I can be free from regret, shame and guilt because I know God will use my mistake to make me more like Christ.


Depression + The Prosperity Gospel.

I think the real reason I am unhappy is because I somehow have bought into the lie that being a Christian means that God has to give me whatever I want.

Being a Christian means I won’t have any problems, I won’t have to struggle and as long as there is no sin in my life I will get what I want. I think deep down I desire what God can give me not God himself. I didn’t think I was like this but I analyzed all of my prayers and all the things that are consuming my mind.

My education, career, money, debt, travel etc. All about me. I don’t know how to remedy this situation. I mean, I can’t just sit at home and not strive or desire anything. I know that earthly possessions and material things whether degrees or being debt-free will never satisfy. At the same time, the people who tell me this have everything they want. They already have their careers lined up.

I don’t know how not to look to God as a genie but just as God who yes, is able to help me accomplish my dreams but ultimately I should look after his will not mine. I think I have bought into this deception that God’s main goal for me is to be happy, successful and wealthy to some degree. Happy being the absence of struggle, successful being having a good career and wealthy being no debt and having some savings.

Nothing too over the top but maybe I just need to stop thinking about all this. Thinking about my future and just focus on my relationship with God? I don’t know. The Bible does say, seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you. A part of me feels I need to help God or do my own part. I have so many desires and dreams that I don’t even know if God is listening, or if it will happen or what to do. Everyone says,  pray, pray, pray and I do but maybe I need to stop imagining my life the way society tells me it needs to be to be happy. I will try and seek what God wants my life to be like and what career he wants me to do and drop my will down.

I feel like I have to do much more soul-searching than the average person but I guess thats how it’s gotta be.



The Future Is Bright.

I cannot wait for the next couple of months! I have been so busy with applications. I totally forgot about blogging, exercising, having fun… I have just been working, working on applications, researching about graduate school, trying to find volunteering and tutoring english in my spare time. Oh I forgot, I also signed up for a French course so I have been studying too!

Suffice it to say, I am BUSY. I realize I am happiest when I am like this. When I feel productive. When I have deadlines and due dates and oddly maybe this is why I want to go back to school. I am happy in this “season” I am in. With my placement and being in this program. Although I am quite isolated, I am a lot more productive.

I have learned to enjoy my own company and I am SO happy for the first time in a loooonnnggg time. I mean although I have so much to worry about and responsibilities, I feel like I can breathe here sort of. I am just free to be me here. I am thankful for this opportunity. Lately I have been feeling so much gratitude and thankfulness towards God about my future and everything. I will definitely be updating as soon as I can aka as soon as I remember to. I am excited to see what the future holds!

I know that this year will be an amazing year for me and by September or even summer time my life will be changed for the better!



Bravo to the strong girl.

Bravo to the girl who’s Christian walk hasn’t been perfect. Bravo to the girl who is still standing with her head high after she’s been depressed, lost her faith, gained it back again, been beaten down, made mistakes, made more mistakes and did it all over again.

Bravo to you for being able to learn from those past mistakes and say you know what, I have a God that loves me, I made some stupid mistakes, I fell into sin, I had things happen to me that I didn’t deserve but this will only make me stronger.

Bravo to you for not giving up and for having passed through things. For smiling although you haven’t had things easy. Bravo to you for your secrets that you cant tell anyone. Things in your past or near past that tried to hold you back but you didn’t let it.

You are valuable. Just as much as if you hadn’t been through those battles. Bravo to the ex-suicidal girl, the one who didn’t want to live. The one who’s mind would plant seeds of doubt that grew into trees with deep roots whose leaves would whisper evil thoughts to her all day long.

“You don’t matter”

“God doesn’t love you”

“You aren’t a real Christian”

“It’s too late”

“You’ve made too many mistakes”

Bravo to you for not listening. For severing friendships that remind you of your downfalls. Friendships that focus on what you’ve done wrong rather than who you are and what you can become.

Bravo for being courageous enough to trust God again. To know that you will not go through these problems again because he has rescued you. God will save you. He has already saved you. Don’t let anyone tell you that you didn’t pray enough.

Those people don’t understand. They haven’t been through life. They don’t know what its like to have the very ground that they walk on feel like its being opened up and is swallowing them up. They don’t know what its like to want to die. They don’t know what its like to have a mind that lies to them.

They also don’t know what its like to be literally rescued by a God that is like a helicopter ambulance looking for a lost person in an open sea without a single island in sight.

You’re forgiven. You’re loved. You’re worthy.

Bravo for being unapologetically you. I’m proud of you. You’re imperfect but thats ok. You sought not to be perfect but to be real.


The Bright Side of Dark Day.

Sometimes I have a crappy day. I don’t want to go to work and would rather stay at home. But then I think about all the good things that happen at work with the students or otherwise and I get happy and forget all of my problems for the moment.

  • staring contests with my younger students in class while their teacher is teaching
  • walking home with younger students (grade 1/2) who are curious as to what I do at their school and we get to practice French; they are always super nice to me
  • when my students use the material I teach them to describe me ex. they learned the phrase”you rock”and a lot used it in an example to describe me
  • when they draw things for me as gifts
  • seeing the lightbulb moments that happen when they just need the tiniest amount of assistant and they answer it on their own
  • being with the kids and seeing their innocence and thinking back to how lucky they are
  • when my teacher that I work with says that I am big help to the students and her (although I don’t feel that way at all) ; its nice to be appreciated.

As far as I am trying to look on the bright side, there are good things that happen even amidst the myriad of things I might not be happy with in my life. Positivity makes it all the more bearable. I like my job, if not love it. But sometimes I forget that.